Tears For The Dead
by dave-d
Summary: Short angsty oneshot with a twist. Naruto sitting on the cliff after suffering more than one nasty shock. He's not contemplating suicide, is he?


A lonely osprey called out as it circled.

The bird was far from the sea, and was flying over unfamiliar territory. It took no notice of the young man sitting above the Stone Hokages, his feet dangling over the edge of a crumbling cliff.

The haunting cry of the bird had Naruto pressing his hands even tighter against his temples, as if he could empty his mind of memories by squeezing tightly enough. The tears came running down his face again, as he looked up at the sea hawk. If he jumped, he could soar for a few moments before his own flight ended.

"_No!"_

He bit his lip until the blood welled up and began to trickle down his chin, forming a necklace of little red beads at his neck.

"I would never do that!"

He was not a quitter, no matter what happened. The day had been filled with terrible surprises; but, life must go on. He had learned that lesson again and again.

**I DON'T SEE WHY YOU ARE UPSET**

Kyuubi had never accessed his thoughts this way. At least, the demon fox had never tried hard enough to be successful. Usually it was Naruto who turned inward, wandering through the corridors of his mind before ending up standing before massive metaphysical bars.

"Leave me alone!"

Naruto kicked at a large clump of weeds, their large frilly heads letting loose a few stray grains of pollen before they tumbled to the village below, followed by a sizeable portion of cliff. The soil they had been sitting in was loose, and that area of the cliff had been marked 'Off Limits.'

Naruto didn't care. He was not about to kill himself; but, if Fate reached out and snatched him away, he wouldn't complain too much.

**ALL LIVING CREATURES HAVE AN INSTINCT FOR SURVIVAL. YOU DID WHAT WAS NECESSARY. **

Naruto tasted blood again. This time, it was not from his lip. It was memory. Kyuubi's memory. Images flooded his mind, threatening to overwhelm him. For a few crazy moments, he stood on all fours, arching his back as if he were a victorious fox. In his mind, he called out for the fox demon to stop. Kyuubi simply smiled a vulpine smile, reliving various kills from his past.

"I'm… not… you…"

He managed to eek that out through his clenched teeth. He felt dizzy, beset by wave after wave of nausea. Leaning over the cliff, he vomited.

"I'm… not… some… beast…"

**YOU HAVE ME. THAT MAKES YOU MORE THAN HUMAN AND MORE THAN A BEAST. GIVE INTO YOUR EARLIER FEELINGS, AND I WILL GLADLY TEACH YOU THINGS THAT NO OTHER SHINOBI KNOWS**

"No…"

Naruto whispered, fighting the temptation that began coiling around him like a snake.

"I can't…"

He closed his eyes and whispered a short prayer, asking for strength.

"I won't…"

He looked down at his hands and arms. They were no longer covered with blood. Still, he saw red there, as if the hurried shower he had taken upon his return had done nothing.

His head felt as if it was splitting. His chest felt so tight, that he expected to hear ribs cracking one after another, like the sideboards of a stricken ship caught between two large ice floes. His breath came in ragged gasps, and he was covered with sweat once again.

"You can't make me…"

**I WISH TO RELIVE YOUR MEMORIES, NOW. IT IS ONLY FAIR**

"No! Please don't…"

**THEY WERE BRUTAL. HONEST. YOUR ACTIONS GAVE ME REASON TO FIND SOME JOY IN THIS PRISON OF MINE. **

"Why don't you just leave me alone! I didn't ask for the Fourth to seal you inside me. "

**WE WERE SPEAKING OF YOU, NOT HIM.** **I PARTICULARLY LIKE THIS RECOLLECTION **

"Please… don't… please! I… I beg you…"

Naruto was not one to beg, no matter what the circumstances. This was an exception. He would do anything to keep the memories from plaguing him. He had no idea how long it might take him to come to terms with what he had done. No. 'What' wasn't the crux of the issue. 'What' was bad enough. How. That was the problem. 'How' he had done what he did.

This wasn't the first day that he had killed someone. As a ninja, he would be forced with the need to kill someone opposing him, on more than one occasion. That was part of a ninja's duty. At times, one had to take a life in order to further his mission… aid his comrades… and to ensure the safety of his village. He could live with that. The choice was usually simple. If asked 'who would I rather have live, me or my enemy', he would choose himself. If he had to select between 'have Konoha survive' and 'let the other village flourish', he would always want the Leaf to prevail. There were so many people that he counted amongst his precious ones. If there was no other choice, he would kill to keep them alive. But, none of that explained what he had done.

"I don't know why… it wasn't like me…"

His actions were terrible. What he had done sickened him. The choices he made had him doubting his own sanity. If he questioned himself, what would his fellow shinobi think of him? What would his friends say? How would they look at him after this? How about Kakashi? Jiraiya? Tsunade? Could any of them ever trust him after that? Would they think him some kind of monster, and worry that the Nine Tails was taking control of his body, or stood poised to escape his living prison? What would the townspeople think if they heard?

Unbidden by him, images appeared in his thoughts, jerking along like animated corpses controlled by _Shikon no Jutsu, _the Dead Soul Technique. Why did he think of it in those terms? That was just one more thing condemning him! Death and destruction followed him everywhere: there was even death in his metaphors and analogies. Was he an evil person? Was that it? Could he be someone like Itachi and Orochimaru? The sides of his mind were dripping with figurative blood.

"I didn't want to… why did I do it… how could I let myself…"

Naruto knew that he was lying to himself. He _had _wanted to do it! Yes, he had been enraged beyond all rational thought. That didn't explain how he could have acted as terribly as he had. It didn't provide a reasonable excuse for the way that he had acted, or the way that he had felt during his rampage. There had not been any sense of revulsion at the time. If anything, he had been overjoyed, wishing that the slaughter could go on forever.

Rock Lee, unable to concentrate chakra in manner necessary to climb walls and trees stealthily, was the only ninja to routinely carry _Tekagi_ in his weapons bag. Naruto had demanded the metal bands from his friend, almost willing to hurt him if necessary, if that was what it took to get the spiked items. After placing the climbing aids on his hands, he was filled with the lust to kill, knowing that the Tekagi could be used in close quarter combat to tear like the claws of a ferocious tiger or bear. No, it wasn't just a desire to kill. He had wanted to hurt… to maim… to torture… before letting his enemy slip away into the blissful peace of death.

**YES. IT MAKES ME FEEL FREE AGAIN **

"Shut up…"

**TO CUT THE TENDONS BEHIND HIS KNEE. TO RUPTURE AN ENEMY'S EYES **

"I said 'shut up'…"

**TO SLASH A MAJOR ARTERY. TO DELIGHT IN THE JOYOUS FOUNTAINS OF BLOOD**

"Shut up… shut up… shut up…"

**WETTING MY MUZZLE WITH THAT BLOOD BEFORE HOWLING MY CHALLENGE AT THE MOON ITSELF**

"Stop… you have to stop… if you don't, I will stop you…"

Naruto took out a kunai. More of a flat nail than an actual knife, the implement was sharp enough to do what he threatened Kyuubi with. No. he couldn't bring himself to do it! It was a baseless threat. Not only that, it would be pointless, serving no purpose. Ramming the weapon deep into his belly would only wound himself. It would not injure the fox demon sealed behind his navel.

"How can I ever look my friends in the face again…"

He stood up and shouted wordlessly, throwing the kunai at the departing bird. Feathers fell down the earth from where he clipped the osprey's tail.

His memories swirled around him, taunting him, tugging at his emotions. He had put on the Tekagi. He had used his newly won power and speed, setting aside the frightful jutsu he had learned before the nasty business with Akatsuki. He welcomed the enemy's attempt to stop him with all manner of weapons and techniques at their disposal, shrugging them all off as he about his bloody killing spree.

Faces were carved off of the skulls of living men, blood spraying out as their terrible and terrified screams echoed throughout the cold foggy forest. Ears went flying. Noses were slit or sliced off. Countless throats were torn out. It wasn't merely the weapon that made such carnage possible. With Kyuubi chakra covering him like a thick coat, Naruto had reached down inside of him and found a reservoir of strength that would have left Tsunade and Sakura silent in awe.

Arms had fallen like tree limbs hewed with an axe. Legs had barely remained attached to jerking bodies by small scraps of skin or the ruined remnants of bone. Air and blood had bubbled at transected trachea. Hearts and punctured lungs had been torn from chests. Intestines had pooled on the ground, causing friend and foe alike to slip, slide, and fall amongst the blood and gore.

**THAT WAS ALL YOUR DOING, NOT MINE. I COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANY BETTER, YOUNG ONE. IF YOU WERE MY PUP, I WOULD LET YOU LIVE, EVEN KNOWING THAT YOU WOULD BE THE ONE TO BRING ME DOWN SOME DAY**

"Don't lie…"

Naruto slammed his hands into the earth, oblivious to the cuts he received from fracture plates of slate and shale.

"It had to be you…"

He shook his head. If Kyuubi's chakra had been there, maybe the youma's will had been there too.

"I know it was me… but it had to be you as well... _it had to be!"_

His own anger and hatred had never caused him to be cruel or vicious, even though he had been taunted and teased mercilessly as an orphan. Rarely had he struck out at him, even when they tormented him to the point of tears, or bullied him to the point of bleeding. Never once had he dreamed about killing any of his childhood foes.

"I just… it… I don't know…"

He felt like screaming again. He had left the Tekagi embedded in the scarred bark of an ancient elm, wanting to continue fighting with his own natural weapons. His hands had curved into claws. His teeth had lengthened and grew sharper than ever before. He ran so swiftly, that the chakra streaming out behind him made him look like an orange comet. Calling out wordless challenges, or growling with inhuman fury growing fury, he had gouged out eyes, snapped vertebrae, and pulled hair out in huge bloody clumps. But, that wasn't the worst of it. He had used his fangs to savage he men and women fighting against him, even when they fell to the ground and begged for mercy.

**NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THE BLOOD OF AN ENEMY, EXCEPT PERHAPS THE TENDER FLESH OF AN INNOCENT. **

"That's not who I am…. It's who _you_ are…"

Naruto spoke those words as if he were rubbing a Djinn's lamp, hoping for his wish to come true.

"I still… I want to be…"

He began crying again, years of pent up emotions bursting out of him like water through a broken dam. It was almost ironic, his thinking about being Hokage while sitting above a mountainside carved in the likeness of the men and women who held that position. Those stone heads were no less alive than his old dreams. Who would ever want him for Hokage now?

The loss of a dream hurt him, almost as much as the frightful nature of his actions did. But, that was not the only thing weighing heavily on his soul at that moment. Before, if asked, most people would have snorted or laughed if they were asked 'Do you think that Uzumaki Naruto will make Hokage some day?' Others would have scowled, spat, or made some kind of negative remark, hoping never to see such a day. But, Tsuande had believed in him. In the throes of death, Chiyo had as well. They were not alone in that sentiment, however. Someone else had great faith in him, while she was still alive.

**FORGET ABOUT THAT ONE. FEMALES ARE MATES, NOTHING MORE **

Naruto's hands clenched into fists. Tears fell off of his cheeks, making small dark spots on his dusty jumpsuit.

**SHE WAS NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU GOOD PUPS. SHE DID NOT HAVE THE SAVAGERY YOU POSSESS **

He walked to the very brink of the cliff, watching as countless pebbles and clumps of dirt began sliding off the edge.

**HER DEATH SERVED YOU WELL. IT SHOWED YOU THE KEY TO YOUR OWN STRENGTH**

"I hate you… I really wish I could kill you… I could almost jump, if only to do that…"

Naruto swallowed hard. It would be a simple enough thing to accomplish. Yondaime had not been able to kill the nine-tailed fox. But, _he_ could. All it would take is one more step. After that, he would be falling, his worries ending soon enough. His memories would die with him. The village would no longer have to worry about someone they never wanted anyway. Only his friends would mourn. Life would go on. The Leaf would flourish without him.

He took a deep breath. He was suddenly at war with himself in a way he had never experienced before. There had been so many painful days in his early life. Now, it seemed that his future would be filled with even worse things. Despite his earlier claims and beliefs, he found himself wondering if death might be the best thing for him after all. Not just for himself, however… for everyone. If he was gone, there would be one less Jinchuuriki to worry about.

A face in his mind saved him. It was another moment of sheer irony. The face belonged to the girl that he had been unable to save. He had been fighting near her. He had been trying to protect her against an enemy that had her outmatched. He had watched her die.

Once again, his memories rolled past, like the film passing in front of the bulb in an antique movie camera. He closed his eyes, but that only made the theater of his mind darker.

"I'm sorry… I tried…"

Those words sounded hollow and impotent. His trying didn't matter. He had failed. One of his friends had died, because he had not lived up to his own expectations. She had always looked at him as some kind of amazing shinobi, and he had let her down.

The jutsus had been coming fast and furious. Countless umbrellas had darkened the sky, their steel rain of impossibly sharp needles shredding leaves and small trees alike. Poison gas raced onward in horrendous animal-shaped clouds, enveloping people on both sides of the confrontation. Fierce summoned creatures ran through the forest, their limbs strapped with poisoned blades. The ninjas from the leaf had been faced with so many horrendous techniques. Despite that… or maybe because of the distraction such methods caused… it had been the simplest of attacks that struck true.

"If I had formed enough clones… they could have stopped it…"

Naruto sat back down again, hard. Moving backward slowly, he put more distance between him and the cliff edge.

"I could have caught it myself, if I wasn't so busy with my own opponents…"

He pulled at his hair. Part of him knew that he was blaming himself unfairly. That part was shoved into the back of his mind and told in no uncertain terms to keep quiet.

"Damn it!She could have stopped it herself. Why didn't she?" He looked up at the clouds, as if someone watching there could give him an answer.

All it would have taken was another _Kaiten. _With one more Heavenly Spin, she could have deflected the wicked looking spear. Instead, the weapon had caught Hinata in the abdomen, passing straight through her to stick deep in the ground, holding her dying body up like a hand puppet or squid-on-a-stick.

"Why did you do it…"

The blood had streamed down the painted shaft, even as crimson stained her mouth and chin. Maybe she had used up all of her chakra. No, that was merely a salve, a way to take away some of the sting. Instead of working her defensive move one more time, Hinata had called out a warning to him, seeing the hand of a concealed ninja reaching out of the ground at his feet.

That would have been bad enough. That alone would have him hating himself for being the cause of her death. But, of course, there was more. Her last words. Those dying words of hers! Why did she have to speak them? 'I'm sorry, Naruto-kun… I love you…'

Why did she have to tell him that? Why then? Why did that truth hurt him so much? Why was he reminded of the times in the orphanage that an attendant had handed a toy, only to grab it away from him when he or she found out who he was? Damn her. Damn her for loving him. Damn her for dying like that.

**YOU SEE HOW USELESS LOVE IS. IT WAS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY TO LEARN THAT LESSON.**

"You're wrong…"

**IT WAS LOVE THAT KILLED THE FOOL CARVED IN THE CLIFF BELOW YOU. YOU CANNOT DENY THAT**

"I don't need to…"

**HE COULD HAVE GONE ON TO BE QUITE POWERFUL, HAD HE FOUND SOME OTHER MEANS TO DEFEAT ME**

"No… that's why you were defeated… because he loved this village. He never would have sacrificed himself otherwise…"

Naruto wiped away tears. Kyuubi's words had actually helped him unintentionally.

"Love is not useless. If the people in the town had loved me as a child, I never would have suffered the way I did."

**BUT, YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD REASON TO GROW SO STRONG. IT WAS THEIR HATRED THAT GAVE YOU CAUSE**

"That's true, I guess. But, it was my desire to be noticed that pushed me. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be loved."

It was more than that. His ability to care about other people had brought about many of his successes. Chiyo had been right. So had Kakashi. He had a rare ability to empathize with others, and to get them to believe in him. Look at Haku. Neji. Gaara. If he had hated them, things would have gone so much differently.

He had wanted to be loved. But, probably because he was rejected by everyone for so long, he never thought that he would be loved in return. It hadn't helped being in the same team as Sasuke when he was younger, seeing all of the girls fawning over him.

Hinata had said that she loved him. That alone filled him with a sense of shock, maybe even more than her sudden and unexpected death did. He had not loved Hinata. But, in the moment that she bared her heart to him… even as her blood splattered against the brown dry leaves at her feet…he had realized that he _could _have loved her. It was that realization that set him off, serving as the match to his fuse. It was the fact that he had let her down that set his spirit on fire.

If he had been a candle, Hinata's death would have served as the wick. The burning rage had melted away all of the good in him, just the way a flame melts away a candle. When the fire was gone… and the forest floor lay littered with mangled corpses… what was left behind? Was there any good in him? Had he been worthy of her feelings? Could he ever be anyone that would justify her faith?

"Hinata…"

Yes. He might have been able to love Hinata. She had never been tallest, the strongest, the most talkative, or the prettiest. No. But when all things were considered, maybe she had been the best. Not the best Kunoichi. No, not by a long shot. Just the best person.That was more important. Only now did he begin to see that.

"Maybe the best for me too…"

Who had suffered through a difficult childhood like him? Hinata. Who had been viewed as a joke, an afterthought, and a failure, much like him? Hinata. And who had kept on trying, striving to get better, no longer caring what other people might think about her? Hinata.

"I'm sorry, Hinata… I should have seen it before…"

Naruto sighed. Training. Fighting. Ramen. Manga. His crush on Sakura. An urge to get stronger. The dream to be Hokage. Threats posed by Akatsuki. So many things had clouded his vision. All along, there had been someone who cared about him. Like an idiot, he had missed it. Now, it was too late.

"I didn't know that someone could love me…"

He never knew his parents. He never had any siblings. He still had no idea who his grandparents might have been. When he had become part of Team Seven, he had begun finding friends. He had learned what it meant to care deeply for others. But, he had never found love.

"Were you thinking about jumping?"

That voice was very familiar. Naruto spun around. Kakashi was standing a short distance behind him, perched on top of a short wooden pole. The sun had begun to set directly behind him, making him look like a figure out of legends.

"Kakashi-sensei…" Naruto frowned. "Why are you standing up there? Afraid the wild beast might attack you?"

"No." Kakashi jumped down and began walking over to his teammate. "I'm not. And you shouldn't be concerned yourself." He held up his hand when Naruto began talking too fast to follow. "I know what must be bothering you. But, there is something you should know. It wasn't you fault."

"How can I believe that? If it wasn't me, then it was Nine Tails." Naruto clenched his fists. "That's just as bad, since he's part of me. If it was his fault, then it was my fault too! I can't take him out of me. If it happened once, it can happen again." Tears began running down his face again. He fought the urge to run to his teacher like a child, the way he had done when Iruka stood up for him against Mizuki.

"It wouldn't hurt you to listen sometimes, Naruto." Kakashi sighed. "It may have been due to the Kyuubi, but not in the way you think. You must have noticed that our enemy was using a lot of bombs filled with gas and other concoctions. Their ancestors were adept at such weapons, creating various mixtures for different purposes."

"But… Kakashi-sensei… what does that…" Naruto bit his tongue. The Copy Ninja was right. He needed to learn to keep his big mouth shut and listen. "Sorry…"

"One of the gases they developed takes away their inhibitions. It taps directly into their primal urges. It helps make them powerful and soulless warriors. That is one of the reasons that they fought to the last man today, taking so many down with them." Kakashi coughed. His lungs and throat were still irritated by many of the noxious fumes he had breathed in during the battle. "While the gas was made to affect those who were exposed to it before in smaller doses… and had no effect on the shinobi of the Leaf… it seemed to work on you as well."

"Then…" Naruto suddenly felt a great weight lift off of his shoulders. "That's great, Kakashi-sensei…" His smile vanished. That _was_ great news. But, there were other reasons for him feel down. "But, it won't bring back Hinata." He hung his head.

"No, it won't." Kakashi spoke softly. "Nothing can bring back those who die." He paused, knowing something that Naruto did not. "But, Sakura brought Hinata back from the edge of death. She grown rather remarkable, you know."

"What?" Naruto froze. Standing on one foot, he almost fell over like a statue that was shoved too hard.

"Hyuuga Hinata is in the hospital, in serious condition. The Hokage thinks that she will live, and make a full recovery." He smiled. "If you had not been affected by the gas, you might have seen she was not dead when you left to discuss your difference of opinion with the enemy." Kakashi closed his uncovered eye. Even for someone as battle-hardened as he was, the sight of the things that Naruto had done would give him nightmares for a while.

"Is this true, Kakashi-sensei? You wouldn't lie to me, trying to cheer me up?" Naruto suddenly looked like his usual hyperactive self again. "I wasn't _really_ going to jump."

"It's true," Kakashi said. "I think Shizune and the Hokage would let you in to visit her, if you like. Kurenai is in the room next to hers, recovering from her own wounds. She thinks that a word or two from you would help the girl more than any medicine or healing jutsu could. I can't imagine why, though. Can _you?"_

"Hey. That's none of your business." Naruto grimaced. That had slipped out too fast to stop. Not that it really mattered. Kakashi must know how Hinata felt about him. "Well… I… she kind of told me …" He scratched his head. "I mean…when she was _almost_ dying…"

"I see," Kakashi said. "Well then, a word of advice from your teacher. When you stop in to see her, bring candy or some flowers. Not Ramen."

There was no answer. Naruto had already begun running down the path leading back to the village.

**THE END**


End file.
